Friday, September 23, 2005

Week 4 Picks, Coaches Edition

Come one, come all, to the greatest show on Firth. Your resident lexiphanic linguist has prepared his prognosticating practices for your perusing pleasure. Terse but never tepid; brevity is only for the bromidic and languorous. (How you like them apples, Teebs!)

Week 3 is in the books and the college football landscape has yet to remove itself from obfuscation. Yes, USC is the most dominate offense not in the NFL. Yes, the hurricanes are hurting college football (and I don't mean Miami and Tulsa). Yes, there is an actual school named Texas State. But what do we really know thusfar?

Who is Number-2?
Texas has every right to be, but expecting Texas to finish a season unbeaten would be like expecting the Bills of the nineties to win a Super Bowl. No matter how close they come, they always drop the ball when it counts. Florida makes a good case, but without Caldwell, they're pretty thin at wide receiver. LSU has the nations empathy and a big win over Arizona State, but I still don't have enough faith in Les Miles to see them even winning the SEC...Roll Tide! So would the real Number-2 please stand up?!? Hey Hey Vanderbilt! My boys from Nashville continue to justify me picking them to come just short of the Rose Bowl (originally Ohio State). Given, it's laughable to even conjecture that Vandy could run the table, but three games into the '05 season they're in first place in the SEC....yeah, and the Catholic Church once thought the world was flat. (Vandy will win on Saturday over Richmond, but it's not worth any more space on this page.) So before y'all start to question my credibility, lets get on with the picks...

Michigan at Wisconsin UPSET SPECIAL
The Barry Alvarez tour continues with Lloyd "John Cooper" Carr bringing his discombobulated Wolverines into Madison for a cross lake showdown. With Mike Hart still hurting, and Chad Henne playing like a high school sophomore, Carr and DC Jim Hermann better pull more than a rabbit out of their hats. Brian Calhoun and the big hogs up front are going to smack Michigan in the mouth for 60 minutes. For those of you not on Michigan's eternal bandwagon, allow me to elucidate on the mighty Wolverines...they can't tackle. Not that they don't try, they're just technically incapable of sound tackling. Wisconsin isn't just going to upset Michigan...they're going to smack them around and demoralize them. If things don't turn around for the Maize and Blue they'll be playing at home in December...Hello Motor City Bowl!
Wisconsin 35 – Michigan 20

Pete Carroll is to USC as Tom Osborne is to Nebraska. No coach puts his talent in a better position to succeed than Carroll and his staff. If anyone thinks for one second that Matt Leinart and the Trojans will be even slightly rattled going into Autzen, they're dreaming. When Leinart isn't spending his days dancing with his hot ass girlfriend Brynn Cameron, he's blowing off beach bunnies, USC co-eds, and hanging with Hollywood celebs. Sure...he's gonna be rattled by a bunch of pimple-faced dorks from nowhere. Riiiiiiiiight. They might not score 70, but it should be damn close. Oh, and for the record, I think Kellen Clemens is a hell-of-a quarterback...but they just can't keep up with the Trojans.
USC 63 - Oregon 35

Purdue at Minnesota
Jerrod "Jesus" Void continues to play for Purdue. Read that sentence again...I know it might not make sense at first. How long has this guy been there? The 8th year senior is the Danny Almonte of college football...SOMEONE CHECK HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE! What's even weirder than "Old Man" Void, is that he's the centerpiece of the Purdue offense. Yes, Basketball on grass has finally got a Big Ten flavor to it. And because of this, I can't help but take Joe Tiller's boys in the Metrodome. I know Laurence Maroney is still going to romp for about 150 and 2-TDs, but it won't be enough. Glen Mason has never been able to recruit guys with enough size on defense to stop anyone with a semblance of a running attack, and this game will be no different.
Purdue 35 – Minnesota 31

Tennessee at LSU
Does any coach get worse tit-sweat than Phil Fulmer (see picture). I mean, the engineers at Under Armor should be using this guy to design their next moisture removal shirt, the TSR (tit-sweat-remover). In spite of Fulmer's mamilla expectorate, I can't see the Vols dropping two in a row. The game has been pushed back to Monday night meaning The people of the gulf coast, Les Miles, and his Tigers have had their schedules altered more than Subway Jared's suits. As much as I hate picking against everyone's sentimental favorite...
Tennessee 24 – LSU 21

Iowa at Ohio State GAME OF THE WEEK
Before the season started, this was the biggest game on the Bucks' schedule. That may be hard to swallow given they annual year end rivalry with Michigan and the huge non-conference tilt with Texas, but the Hawkeyes humiliated Jim Tressel and his troops in Iowa last year 33-7 and the Buckeyes have been planning revenge ever since. Unfortunately, with Jim Bollman at the helm, Ohio State will NEVER score 33 against anyone with a decent defense, unless they hit overtime, so don't expect for a duplicate score in reverse. This game will be a vintage 2002 game with the score in the low teens for both squads. The intrigue from my perspective, being that I'm a huge tactic nerd, is that 2002 Coach of the Year Jim Tressel is going against 2003 Coach of the Year Kirk Ferentz. Both squads look pretty close on paper, so the play calling and substitutions are going to be huge. Will Tressel be able to shut Bollman up long enough to pull out a win? I think so. Oh, and for the record, AJ Hawk moves his draft stock to top 10 in this game. Mark My Words!
Ohio State 18 – Iowa 13

Tressel: "Hey Offense! This isn't a game of hide and seek!"


  • Danny Almonte shit, I call him "Jesus" cause I heard he actually had a spot at the last supper, which was coincidentally his freshman year at Purdue.

    By Blogger bironm, at 1:33 PM  

  • Isn't Danny Almonte the kid that struck out 21 batters in the Little League World Series?

    By Blogger Teebeebee, at 8:07 PM  

  • Dunno...I know he's the kid who was like 15 playing in the Little League World Series.

    By Blogger Swade016, at 5:57 PM  

  • As for the who's #2, I realize Texas is and has no reason to not be - but Virginia Tech I think will really figure into the BCS Championship game this year, if not give Leinart the best bowl game he's had to date.

    We needed Purdue to lose since they aren't playing Michigan or OSU, so I'm glad Minnesota won. I didn't touch that prediction of Swade's, but had I done so I probably would've taken Purdue too, just too much talent.

    Kudos to Minnesota ~

    By Blogger bironm, at 4:30 PM  

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