Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The Memorial, Tiger Woods & Bironm

Hole #17, a revamped par 4 and one of Muirfield, Ohio's toughest 478 yards. Trees to the right can cause a blind approach from that side of the fairway. The rolling green is small and heavily bunkered, and is fronted by a deep, rough-filled valley that can threaten the second shot off a short drive.

"CyberBiron," (which I choose to refer to my video-self most of the time) "wipes the sweat off his brow as he eyes the long straight away and difficult challenge ahead of him. Down 2 strokes in the final round to Tiger Woods, CyberBiron must birdie here if he is to set himself up for a potential playoff in order to determine this year's winner of the esteemed Memorial Tournament."

This is the shit I'd be saying if my reality was ... uhh, reality. For real though, if I get a project I'm working on done by Thursday, 4:30pm - then I'll be hobnobbing and drinkin' with the rich people of hole #17 at the Memorial Tournament on Friday. My brother-in-law works for a company that rented the home that sits along this hole, and apparently I made enough of an impression in the family that led to me being invited to drink for free and hoot 'n holler at the pros as they face the cut heading into Saturday. Remember when Tiger Woods ripped into a fan yelling during his backswing as he attempted to putt? Well, if you see highlights of something occurring to that nature again on Friday, you heard it here first.

In preparation of my epic trip of beer-drinking unlimitations with a potential chance to land myself on national TV, I've been brushing up my golf game with EA Sports (imagine that) Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005. I hit this game hard back in August when it was mailed to me along with NHL 2005, and since have went back to it at random periods throughout the gaming year (the "Gaming Year" essentially begins with NCAA Football and ends with MVP Baseball as per my definition).

(you'll also find that I make a lot of stupid shit up like this over time)

Upon hearing of my opportunity to get my ass kicked by a pro golfer's bodyguards, I decided that I would attempt to Tiger Proof a hole in this game to try and recreate the hole I'll be at. If I'm going to make an ass of myself, I may as well map out a strategy for doing so in order to best achieve maximum assness. This game has a variety of courses available to play with outstanding accuracy to their real-life counterparts, however upon wasting 2 hours of my life comparing pictures of my hole and ones in the game - I decided that recreating this hole was just going to be rigoddmandiculous (in case you were wondering, this course isn't in the game).

So you know, hopes crushed, no apparent plan in tact - I just proceeded to strike up a foursome with Sunday Tiger Woods and the 2 hottest bitches in the game, Aphrodite Papadapolus & Tiffany "Tiff" Williams. We played Tiger's Dream 18, and immediately I was thrown into cursing violently as Tiger hit EVERY FREAKIN' APPROACH SHOT right next to the goddamn hole. I mean, I may not have been so pissed off if I didn't have the absolute need to out drive him every hole and subsequently hit it in knee high grass, but over the course of the match and from what I like to call "sheer intimidation", Tiger went on a bad streak and I managed to stave him off and beat him by 4 strokes.

Not going to say too much about this game because I really ought to finish this project so I can go in the first place, but it takes a lot of heat for not being realistic. Despite my repeated efforts to explain that it has never claimed to be a simulation, people continue to call it out for the game it never was intended to be in the first place. So, I'll concur with the critics just this one time - it's not a very good simulation of golf. If I was playing golf in aforementioned foursome, likely both me and the 2 women would be naked by hole #13 on account of side bets and performance incentives - and I would've beat Tiger by 7 strokes ~

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other...see which fills up first"


  • I'll be watching just to see if you make an ass of yourself, and of course two naked girls!

    By Blogger Cajunirl, at 1:37 PM  

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