Crouching Tiger, Hidden Cheatin' Whore

For shame Tiger, for shame.

I've been on this Mortal Kombat: Deception kick for about 4 days since finding it for $20 at Best Buy (hence the martial arts blog title...kinda), but last night I wanted to take my first and long overdue shot at Sunday Tiger Woods on the Legend Tour. After my sure triumph over the final leg of the Tour, my plan was to log online and play whatever daily tournament was available as I enjoy accruing statistics online despite not being good enough to score in the top 25.

Ok so getting into the action, on the first hole Tiger tee'd off to the Legend music they kinda play when they announce their name, and subsequently launched the ball right over the green and into the rough. Ballgame right? You would've thought so coming from the Bironm camp, as I sat their and told the virtual crowd to "start the busses" and taunting Tiger with, "ooooh I'm in your head...you can't take it can you?"

And who the hell starts off a dream 18 with a par 3?

Well I birdied, he gets par - I'm +1. On the second hole, I get a 6" right/2" long putt that I somehow blow, and Tiger drills a 17 footer on the same slope I missed from 2' out...ok, I'll give him that (but call him a cheater under my breath). Back and forth, I end up taking holes #4, 7 & 8 to go +3 going into the back 9.

Tiger started hitting his putts, and by putts I mean chips (not to be confused with last blog's CHiPS, where if you remember right I called Swade a flaming homosexual). On #13, I manage to loft a wedge shot over a bend in the green and position myself right next to the flagstick, but that didn't matter - as Tiger chipped in from 16' out despite the Appalachian foothill the hole was positioned in.

Long story made longer, I go Dormie 5 on Tiger going into the 14th hole. Big payday incoming, the crowd can feel the electricity as the greatest virtual golfer in my entire house is about to go to bed with a big virtual payday and a bigger real life hard-on. Well, it was all for not - as Tiger managed to tie me after 18 by making me his man-slut on all 5 remaining holes. Did I break down? The game thought so, as I entered hole 14 with a 86% fairway percentage and subsequently never came close to the fairway again. I also had a chance to win it on #17 with a 23' "Straight In" putt that managed to rim itself out of the cup as well. We eventually went 7 additional holes until I got the ultimate screw job, missing a par #3 green (which was being played for the 4th time) and watching Tiger land 2' away from the cup.

The fix was in, my Legend status was revoked and I'm left to wallow in my self pity and handicap of -21 and a bank roll of only $28M virtual dollars.

Open wide virtual dork...you're next

So ya, I'm pissed - I cuss out a friend online, I slam my controller in disgust prompting my sick wife to wake up at 1:30 AM, and I decide that Miller Lite #6 doesn't sound so bad with work on the way in 5 hours. But hey, least I can log online and play my daily tournament!

Wrong. It's invitation only. Xenu Damnit.