Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Welcome to my sewing circle

Hi, my name is Wade, and I'm not an alcoholic...except on the weekends. However, I am a videogameoholic, a sportsoholic, and basically addicted to anything fun. As this is my first post, I'd like to allow myself to introduce...myself.
Like most American men my age, I am devoid of original thought and conversate using movie quotes and anecdotes. So without further ado, here's what I like and dislike (and by dislike I mean despise with homicidal vehemence).

“…But at least I won’t be unoriginal…”

I hate 4-hour baseball games, golfers who take more then 5 minutes to putt, and timeouts in basketball. Every sport should be like hockey: 1 timeout per game.

I loathe non-alumni Notre Dame Fans, people who sit in line for 2 months for Star Wars, and giving up 48 points to Northwestern in NCAA Football 2004 after not giving up more than 10 points in any one game for 7 seasons in my dynasty.

I think God loves me because I'm in first place on my fantasy team despite having four New York Mets not named Pedro on my team. I think God hates me because Carlos Beltran is one of them and he's only been in my lineup five times all year.

I think football should be a real college major...call it Football Education. I can major in Flute and play at Carnegie for money, why not major in my possible future profession? Is majoring in Flute any more of a guarantee of success than majoring in football? Seriously, I work with a supervisor (read: in charge of other humans) who majored in art...ART!!!

Speaking of art, I've been having this dream sequence for the last two years:

Gunnery Sgt Hartman: "What is this Mickey-Mouse-shit...you can spin the ball after you hit it?"
Tiger: "Yeah, that way people who have never played golf in their life, or a video game for that matter, can shoot 98-under."
Gunnery Sgt Hartman: "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts? Didn't mommy and daddy hug you enough as a child?"
Tiger: "What? 98-under is realistic…"

Unfortunately I wake up before the gun goes off. More of a nightmare than a dream. Amazing that Hot Shots golf is the most accurate of all golf video games, and it has hundred year old women who play scratch golf!

Tiger to Satan: “...After the shot in exchange for Elin?”

If Bob Goodenow is down here, who's running hell?

Finally, if not being on the team means I can't say "We won the game," then I guess not being a soldier means I can't say "We won the war." Unless you're Kellen Winslow Jr, then you COULD say you're a soldier and "We won the game," but he’d actually have to contribute more than just some surgery-time for the interns at the local hospital.

“I’ve fought Lions in 3rd-world countries…ok, well Detroit. But it’s close!”

Thanks for stopping by, and I hope to see you all soon.


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