Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Revelations

I think if EA fucks up one more NCAA Football game I just might break my streak of years owning the game at 12,476. Throwing a fly, in real life, to an uncovered receiver in practice has a completion percentage around 60%. Throw a defender or two in there and it drops to around 10%. How is it then that I can complete 80% of my bombs against quadruple coverage? Is this kind of simulation really that hard to understand?

I think as much shit as Teebs gives me for writing about more than video games and chicks, he still secretly touches himself when I use big words in my posts…I mean, polysyllabic bon mots in my colloquialisms.

I think I need to see a therapist to get rid of this wet dream I keep having where Notre Dame joins the Big Ten where they post a 0-12 record getting wood-shedded by in-state teams Indiana and Purdue. The only thing better than Penn State being mediocre in the Big 10 is if the Irish could be the same.

Speaking of wet dreams, I think Maria Sharapova is an 8 at best. Yeah, I said it. Seriously, what’s her appeal? Beyond the obvious tall, blonde, athletic, and rich thing...but she also has the same figure as my 110 pound brother. I’ll take some hips, tits, and Heather Mitts any day over Fräulein Maria.

I think hockey fans need to watch their step before jumping on the Sidney Crosby bandwagon. In the last 20 years, the only #1 overall picks under 6 feet tall who made even a modest impact their first few years in the league were…no one. Yet somehow he’s still a savior?

Speaking of The Savior, I think Terrell Owens needs a new nickname. Now that Reggie White has passed on, I think TO should be called The Reverend. Clearly his knowledge of religion is unparalleled for our times.

I think 2005 should be the year of the NCAA lawsuit. Follow the NIT and file for anything imaginable. Players getting paid, athletes skipping classes, you know…anything that helps Ohio State Football.

I think Glen Sather, GM for the New York hockey Rangers, is still asleep at the wheel. $2.5 mils per for Marek Malik and $3 mils per for Martin Straka? I wouldn’t sign Malik to defend my twinkie stash and Straka is getting $1 million for every broken leg he’s had. Well done Slats.

I think selling the naming rights of Gund Arena to Quicken Loans is going to curse the Cavs…They might as well just trade LeBron to the Knicks now.

I think Raffy Palmeiro is a complete dipshit. Athletes have been faking injuries for years just so they can get some rest and be “in a great position” for the postseason. Why didn’t Raffy pull a hammy the day after he got 3,000? Retire injured and “in a great position” for Cooperstown. Best of all, no one ever hears about the positive test. Maybe that porn-stache clouds his judgement.

Finally, I think Dusty Baker and Larry Brown should be required to sign marriage contracts instead of the contracts they currently sign. You know, until death do us part…

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