Friday, July 22, 2005

Ice, Ice Hockey...

Ice is back with a brand new invention…

Just like Vanilla Ice, hockey sold its soul for mainstream markets and money and is now an afterthought in most circles. Moreover, just as Vanilla attempted a comeback by reinventing himself, hockey is now attempting the same comeback. Complete with wider nets, removed red lines, and new rules to speed up play. Hopefully the NHL will fare much better than Vanilla…Hockey: A brand new invention.

Anything less than the best is a felony…
So now that the new CBA has been ratified and hockey will be back this fall, will the powers that be finally understand their actual market? I doubt it. Gary Bettman and his purse-fighting basketball background pretty much destroyed the three pillars of hockey. Anyone who watches hockey wants to see a goal, a fight, and a win. Since Bettman took charge, fighting has dropped to .61 fights per game, the lowest since hockey’s heyday in the late 70s when the Broad Street Bullies ruled the rink. Goals have dropped from almost 8 per game in 1985 to around 5 two years ago. However, nothing is worse than the antiquated tie. Ties are for sissy whiners and this new age bullshit about “learning is more important than winning.” Fuck that. Baseball is America's pasttime, and no ties is a contributing factor to its greatness. There is no joy in the tie. It’s the equivalent of meeting the hottest girl at a bar and ending up as friends. Yeah, you didn’t get shot down (loss), but you didn’t hook up (win). And no, making friends with a girl is never, ever, a win. Ever.

If there was a problem, Yo I’ll solve it…
So how does the NHL get its ass back up off the mat? Simple, listen to me, because I know best.
1. Remove the instigator rule. Fighting up, space to skate up, scoring up, attendance up.
2. No more ties. None. Ever. Anything else works, especially shoot-outs.
3. International rink size. Salaries have been cut so much that now they can afford to expand the rinks and give these guys some room to skate.
4. Sidney Crosby and Jerome Iginla in a Rangers Uniform. The best young player since Gretzky and the best black Player ever in the largest market in the world. Fix the draft, whatever…make it happen.
5. Remove Conferences and Divisions. Top 16 make the playoffs. If I have to see one more sub-.500 team in the playoffs while three teams from the other conference are sitting at home with 50-32 records I’m gonna shoot someone.
6. Gary Thorne announcing every game on TV. Seriously, the guy could make paint drying sound interesting. He even made curling captivating during the Olympics. Best. Announcer. In. Sports. Period.

Word to your Mother.

5 Comments:

  • More Fighting? Two best players to possibly the most embarassment of an organization in the NHL? The team that practically caused the loss of an entire season?

    Holy crap, these are some of the worst ideas I've ever been privy to, adding more hockey will just legitimize the fact that hockey isn't a sport, fans don't give a damn about the game, they want to see fights.

    Hockey is no longer a major sport, its a back-page niche sport that is about the same quality as Arena Football and MLS. It doesn't really matter what anyone does or changes to it now I guess, its not getting any better.

    By Blogger Teebeebee, at 1:15 PM  

  • Is Boxing a sport? If so, then the fighting argument isn't an issue. Mike "Wack-job" Tyson can still make millions on a pay-per-view and doing it against crap boxers. People like violence. Life is about winning and losing and fighting your way to the top. That's why people like fighting, that's why contact sports are great, and that's why American's think Soccer is a pussy sport. Example, if NASCAR had no crashes, would anyone watch?

    By Blogger Swade016, at 1:34 PM  

  • Also Teebs, loved the attempt at talking on my level by using the word privy, but you completely used it wrong. :-) Toodles!

    By Blogger Swade016, at 1:57 PM  

  • eat ass mathboy

    By Blogger Teebeebee, at 2:40 PM  

  • zing

    By Blogger Swade016, at 3:12 PM  

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