Week 6 - Oden's Raven! What the hell is going on?
Baseball
Sadly the Yanks didn't pull it out, but hey, at least the ChiSox are in. As for the phantom out/no-tag/safe/error call during the 2000 Gene Autry Way/92806/Los Angeles/Anaheim/Orange County/California/Mexico/New Spain Angels game. If you can't tell, their naming convention really pisses me off. The only thing more pretentious than a woman hyphenating her last name is a sports team doing the same. So until the Angels organization settles on a name, I hope they lose every game. If they're going to act like this, why not sell the naming rights. Then they could be the Disney Angels, or the Microsoft Angels.
Basketball
Bron is hurt....I think I jinxed him.
Hockey
Ouch are my Blue Jackets hurting. What's worse, our hated rival, the Nashville Predators (nothing like being named after a sexual deviant) are off to a 4-0 start. I can't blame the Jackets though, when three of your best players are hurt it kind of puts a damper on things. Rick Nash has a sprained ankle, Rusty Klesla has a fractured knee, and Gilbert Brule (that's pronounced zhil-burr broo-lay for you non-french speaking fucks) has a fractured sternum. The good news is that we've only given up 12 goals in 4 games. The bad news is we've only scored 7. Some prognosticators at the beginning of the year thought we might make the playoffs (me). At this point I'm hoping we average 2 goals per game!
College Football
Michigan State at Ohio State UPSET SPECIAL
Ohio State has some real problems on offense. They start with Ted Ginn. The kid's head is wayyyy up his ass. I've never seen a Heisman candidate (who wasn't a quarterback) slide so much. It's like he's afraid of contact. In the Penn State game he ran every punt and kick-off return directly to his right at a half-pace, then fell down or ran out of bounds so he wouldn't get hit. Maybe he's been laid out too many times by Hawk and Carpenter in practice. Who knows?! But until Teddy Ginn get's his shit together, Ohio State is going to have trouble beating strong teams. Secondly, what is wrong with Troy Smith? Here's an NFL scout's impressions of Smith, "He stares at one reciever from huddle to whistle and if the guy is covered, he throws it harder." Now I love the Bucks, and I know I've never picked against them before, but until everyone starts playing and coaching like Hawk, Holmes, and Carpenter, I have no desire to pick these pussies to win a game.
Michigan State 19 – Ohio State 4
Texas vs Colorado WOODSHED GAME OF THE WEEK
How does Gary Barnett still have a job? I know Colorado just blew out the Aggies, but who hasn't this year? Just like the Oklahoma game, this game isn't going to be close either. What's even more sad, is that this is Texas' toughest challenge until their Bowl game. Seriously, how weak is the Big 12? It's worse than the Pac-10 the last two years. There isn't another team in the entire conference that could hang in the Big 10, the ACC, the SEC, or the Pac-10. The Big XII is quickly becoming the "Other Big East". As for the prediction, Vince Young and the Horns are going to light up the Buffs like a candle on Sabbath.
Texas 49 - Any Big XII team 10
Penn State vs Michigan
I now officially hate Penn State. Their students are ass-clowns and their administration are dipshits. I know there is always a handful of fans who say horrible things to the opposition, but PSU fans take it to a whole new level. Texas fans can concurr on me with this one, OSU chants are about OSU. Last week, PSU chants were about...OSU. Nothing like a resounding "Fuck the Bucks" from 40,000 students to show your high level of education. Had Penn State fans shown even the slightest bit of class, maybe I'd pick them. As it stands, I think, and hope, that Michigan is going to light up Paul Posluszny and the Nittany Lions.
Michigan 35 – Penn State 13
Wisconsin vs Minnesota
This is a battle of the two best running backs in the Big Ten. Brian Calhoun is clearly the most diverse after a 100+ yard rushing and receiving effort. Maroney is probably the better runner though, at least that's what the scouts think. Both have beat Michigan, which means both are cool with me. I really like both teams' offense, and I really dislike both teams defense. What it comes down to for me, is Gary Russell. He's Laurence Maroney's backup and he's from Columbus, OH. Gotta give the shout out to anyone from the O-H.
Minnesota 44 – Wisconsin 42
LSU vs Florida
Yes, I continue to choose against LSU, the team of destiny. It's not so much that I don't like LSU, it's just that I'm sick and tired of everyone coddling the Gulf area teams like they have to overcome so much. Hey, guess what people, these players get free college, free food, and free living. It's the other people in the area who are struggling, root for them. Oh, and for those of you who missed the news recently, 30,000 people died in a series of earthquakes in Asia. 1,500 Gulf-coasters isn't even scratching that number. You think those people are going to get $100 billion to rebuild? Don't think so. Enough feeling sorry for the Americans.
Florida 21 – LSU 20
USC vs Notre Dame GAME OF THE WEEK
Pete Carroll and Charlie Weis are not geniuses. They're football coaches. Last time I checked, neither was in MENSA. They don't have PhDs, they haven't cured a disease, and they don't have an IQ above 140. They're coaches. Good coaches, but coaches. People need to stop throwing this term around so lightly, it cheapens it. It's not like Weis finished scripting Notre Dame's first 20 plays then went to his particle acceleretor for some late night theoretical physics. Carroll probably can't even solve a first order differential equation. So stop, I repeat, STOP CALLING THEM GENIUSES. Whew! now that I've got that out of the way, let's get down to the nuts and bolts of this equation.
USC + "genius" Bob Stoops = blowout!
USC + "genius" Lloyd Carr = blowout!
USC + "defensive mastermind" Mike Stoops = 720 yards of offense.
What does it all add up to?
USC + "genius" Charlie Weis = blowout!
USC 63 – Notre Dame 27
Sadly the Yanks didn't pull it out, but hey, at least the ChiSox are in. As for the phantom out/no-tag/safe/error call during the 2000 Gene Autry Way/92806/Los Angeles/Anaheim/Orange County/California/Mexico/New Spain Angels game. If you can't tell, their naming convention really pisses me off. The only thing more pretentious than a woman hyphenating her last name is a sports team doing the same. So until the Angels organization settles on a name, I hope they lose every game. If they're going to act like this, why not sell the naming rights. Then they could be the Disney Angels, or the Microsoft Angels.
Basketball
Bron is hurt....I think I jinxed him.
Hockey
Ouch are my Blue Jackets hurting. What's worse, our hated rival, the Nashville Predators (nothing like being named after a sexual deviant) are off to a 4-0 start. I can't blame the Jackets though, when three of your best players are hurt it kind of puts a damper on things. Rick Nash has a sprained ankle, Rusty Klesla has a fractured knee, and Gilbert Brule (that's pronounced zhil-burr broo-lay for you non-french speaking fucks) has a fractured sternum. The good news is that we've only given up 12 goals in 4 games. The bad news is we've only scored 7. Some prognosticators at the beginning of the year thought we might make the playoffs (me). At this point I'm hoping we average 2 goals per game!College Football
Michigan State at Ohio State UPSET SPECIAL
Ohio State has some real problems on offense. They start with Ted Ginn. The kid's head is wayyyy up his ass. I've never seen a Heisman candidate (who wasn't a quarterback) slide so much. It's like he's afraid of contact. In the Penn State game he ran every punt and kick-off return directly to his right at a half-pace, then fell down or ran out of bounds so he wouldn't get hit. Maybe he's been laid out too many times by Hawk and Carpenter in practice. Who knows?! But until Teddy Ginn get's his shit together, Ohio State is going to have trouble beating strong teams. Secondly, what is wrong with Troy Smith? Here's an NFL scout's impressions of Smith, "He stares at one reciever from huddle to whistle and if the guy is covered, he throws it harder." Now I love the Bucks, and I know I've never picked against them before, but until everyone starts playing and coaching like Hawk, Holmes, and Carpenter, I have no desire to pick these pussies to win a game.
Michigan State 19 – Ohio State 4
Texas vs Colorado WOODSHED GAME OF THE WEEK
How does Gary Barnett still have a job? I know Colorado just blew out the Aggies, but who hasn't this year? Just like the Oklahoma game, this game isn't going to be close either. What's even more sad, is that this is Texas' toughest challenge until their Bowl game. Seriously, how weak is the Big 12? It's worse than the Pac-10 the last two years. There isn't another team in the entire conference that could hang in the Big 10, the ACC, the SEC, or the Pac-10. The Big XII is quickly becoming the "Other Big East". As for the prediction, Vince Young and the Horns are going to light up the Buffs like a candle on Sabbath.
Texas 49 - Any Big XII team 10
Penn State vs Michigan
I now officially hate Penn State. Their students are ass-clowns and their administration are dipshits. I know there is always a handful of fans who say horrible things to the opposition, but PSU fans take it to a whole new level. Texas fans can concurr on me with this one, OSU chants are about OSU. Last week, PSU chants were about...OSU. Nothing like a resounding "Fuck the Bucks" from 40,000 students to show your high level of education. Had Penn State fans shown even the slightest bit of class, maybe I'd pick them. As it stands, I think, and hope, that Michigan is going to light up Paul Posluszny and the Nittany Lions.Michigan 35 – Penn State 13
Wisconsin vs Minnesota
This is a battle of the two best running backs in the Big Ten. Brian Calhoun is clearly the most diverse after a 100+ yard rushing and receiving effort. Maroney is probably the better runner though, at least that's what the scouts think. Both have beat Michigan, which means both are cool with me. I really like both teams' offense, and I really dislike both teams defense. What it comes down to for me, is Gary Russell. He's Laurence Maroney's backup and he's from Columbus, OH. Gotta give the shout out to anyone from the O-H.Minnesota 44 – Wisconsin 42
LSU vs Florida
Yes, I continue to choose against LSU, the team of destiny. It's not so much that I don't like LSU, it's just that I'm sick and tired of everyone coddling the Gulf area teams like they have to overcome so much. Hey, guess what people, these players get free college, free food, and free living. It's the other people in the area who are struggling, root for them. Oh, and for those of you who missed the news recently, 30,000 people died in a series of earthquakes in Asia. 1,500 Gulf-coasters isn't even scratching that number. You think those people are going to get $100 billion to rebuild? Don't think so. Enough feeling sorry for the Americans.Florida 21 – LSU 20
USC vs Notre Dame GAME OF THE WEEK
Pete Carroll and Charlie Weis are not geniuses. They're football coaches. Last time I checked, neither was in MENSA. They don't have PhDs, they haven't cured a disease, and they don't have an IQ above 140. They're coaches. Good coaches, but coaches. People need to stop throwing this term around so lightly, it cheapens it. It's not like Weis finished scripting Notre Dame's first 20 plays then went to his particle acceleretor for some late night theoretical physics. Carroll probably can't even solve a first order differential equation. So stop, I repeat, STOP CALLING THEM GENIUSES. Whew! now that I've got that out of the way, let's get down to the nuts and bolts of this equation.USC + "genius" Bob Stoops = blowout!
USC + "genius" Lloyd Carr = blowout!
USC + "defensive mastermind" Mike Stoops = 720 yards of offense.
What does it all add up to?
USC + "genius" Charlie Weis = blowout!
USC 63 – Notre Dame 27
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