Scientific Santa B.S.
I actually posted this last December on my first attempt at running a blog (Pwned IRL), which was an experimental project where I used to post without any particular direction and without the aid of other people (a lot like now - well, exactly like now). But the basis of the post was about back in 1990-and-3 (when I road the bus uphill both ways to school), my chemistry teacher passed out a Xerox copy of "A Scientific Inquiry into the Existence of Santa Claus" the week of Christmas.
Oh, if you're under the age of (I'm guessing) 6 & may still believe in Santa Claus, I advise you to not read anymore as I'm essentially telling you now that there is no Santa Claus. Oops...
Anyway, the copy was a small and undistributed at the time, before the likes of internet porn, downloadable music albums and uninteresting people posting blogs at the whirl of a hat. (@#$!) A fun read really, and in the event that you live in a box, basically it's a scientific analysis of Santa's journey around the world on Christmas Eve disproving his existence all together - which has unfortunately made it's way onto EVERY joke website on the 'net.
Now this chaps my ass for a variety of reasons. The main jist of it is that I wanted to post this old list as sort of a holiday flavored FM offering - but I can't, because everyone and their brother has. So - since I can't post it on the basis of being unoriginal, I'm going to dispute the entire thing and rag on any subsequent website aiming to attract users by endorsing such theory. However, for this post to make any sense, Google the title above for yourself and pay quick tribute to whichever site is receiving hits for this once well-thought out piece.
Read it? Now, two words: "atheist bastards".
The theory about the death of Santa Claus, based on unclassified physics, is severely flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his (Santa's) particular case. At the North Pole, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision - building toys not only has become fundamental to the advanced-minded elves, but has enabled additional time to focus on other trades - such as quantum physics. Due to Elf and Christmas Registry regulations, the mass of Santa and his sleigh is also known with tremendous precision (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, and the reindeer must weigh-in minutes before the flight). Also, his direction of flight is essentially east to west (for those questioning current variables).
When examined together, said conditions basically means that the momentum vector of Santa and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle ("the more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa") yields the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, Mel Kiper's draft reports and the female orgasm - and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Basically what I'm trying to say people - if you believe that scientists, even in a joking manner, can offer you a completely unfounded and unproven mathematical and physical analysis telling you that there is not a Santa Claus - then I'm guessing you're probably the same toolkit I see on the news every time a tornado hits a trailer park. You probably half-finished a bomb shelter in your back yard in the months leading up to the rumor of errant nukes during the Y2K crisis, and you probably read this post with the same awe as witnessing a monkey shitting a grandfather clock.
Oh, if you're under the age of (I'm guessing) 6 & may still believe in Santa Claus, I advise you to not read anymore as I'm essentially telling you now that there is no Santa Claus. Oops...
Anyway, the copy was a small and undistributed at the time, before the likes of internet porn, downloadable music albums and uninteresting people posting blogs at the whirl of a hat. (@#$!) A fun read really, and in the event that you live in a box, basically it's a scientific analysis of Santa's journey around the world on Christmas Eve disproving his existence all together - which has unfortunately made it's way onto EVERY joke website on the 'net.
Now this chaps my ass for a variety of reasons. The main jist of it is that I wanted to post this old list as sort of a holiday flavored FM offering - but I can't, because everyone and their brother has. So - since I can't post it on the basis of being unoriginal, I'm going to dispute the entire thing and rag on any subsequent website aiming to attract users by endorsing such theory. However, for this post to make any sense, Google the title above for yourself and pay quick tribute to whichever site is receiving hits for this once well-thought out piece.
Read it? Now, two words: "atheist bastards".
The theory about the death of Santa Claus, based on unclassified physics, is severely flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his (Santa's) particular case. At the North Pole, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision - building toys not only has become fundamental to the advanced-minded elves, but has enabled additional time to focus on other trades - such as quantum physics. Due to Elf and Christmas Registry regulations, the mass of Santa and his sleigh is also known with tremendous precision (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, and the reindeer must weigh-in minutes before the flight). Also, his direction of flight is essentially east to west (for those questioning current variables).
When examined together, said conditions basically means that the momentum vector of Santa and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle ("the more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa") yields the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, Mel Kiper's draft reports and the female orgasm - and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Basically what I'm trying to say people - if you believe that scientists, even in a joking manner, can offer you a completely unfounded and unproven mathematical and physical analysis telling you that there is not a Santa Claus - then I'm guessing you're probably the same toolkit I see on the news every time a tornado hits a trailer park. You probably half-finished a bomb shelter in your back yard in the months leading up to the rumor of errant nukes during the Y2K crisis, and you probably read this post with the same awe as witnessing a monkey shitting a grandfather clock.
posted by bironm at
12:17 AM
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