R.I.P. Smokey

Lemme break it down for ya:

Bottom of the 8th, my starting pitcher is starting to get tired. First Hilltopper singles down the line, second one comes up to sacrifice. Bunt goes down the first base line, and my C has a brainfart and despite me hitting 'O' to throw to first, he stands there with his thumb up his ass. So 1st and 2nd, next batter lays a bunt down the 3rd base line - my 3rd baseman has a brain fart, won't throw to first. Bases loaded, and their RF comes up to jack one over the right field line.

I'm not one to pout and I take my losses, so I finish the game and hit Rematch.

Bit different this time, as the Hilltoppers take a 1-0 early lead. My RF comes up in the 3rd inning with 2 on, works a 2-0 count and I get a hanging curveball that I jack over the left field fence.

So I cruise into the 8th again, and instinctively go to my bullpen for fear of the 8th inning tattoo I got branded onto my ass. First batter doubles in the gap against my ace middle reliever, next one bunts that catches my 3rd baseman in an odd position, I try to field it and run to 3rd for the tag but he reaches for him after he goes by...ya, here goes. 1st & 3rd, none out:

Mike Patrick: The visiting team is really starting to make a comeback here.
My son: (just waking up from his nap) waaaah, waaaaah
Me: hold on bud!
Patrick: We're seeing some incredible ball here.
Kyle Peterson: We sure are Mike, but I think this pitcher is starting to struggle.
Son: waaaah, waaaah
Me: another second bud, be right there.
Patrick: IT WAS GONE BEFORE IT LEFT THE BAT!
Peterson: THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT ONE!
Me: YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!

*BAM!*

Rest in peace, brother.

FMode Short Hops

Sponsored by So I'm gonna steal the title of their random MLB observations from ESPN.com, sue me for plagiarism, it's a great title, hopefully I'll remember to do this from hereon out every few days/weeks/etc.

I'm T-minus two weeks until I'm out of this shitty NYC roach infested, mexican music blasting neighbor apartment and in my brand new (well four-years old) 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment with DirecTV (hence the sponsor) so I thought what better way than to blog some MLB randoms.

National League ball isn't worse that American League ball, it's just "Different". National League teams are required to both 1: hit the ball 2: field the ball. What this does is make their benches fill up with soft hitting utility guys that have various roles on a team. They have to fill in for a SS/2B/CF when a double switch occurs and also have to be able to pinch hit and stay in the field afterwards. Doesn't sound like much, but it is a HUGE difference.

American League benches can be stockpiled with Frank Thomas, Ruben Sierra, Jose Canseco and other should be retired ballplayers that in no shape or form could survive a month in the National League. Not only do they survive in the American League, they can kick major ass. There is absolutely no need for a utilityman infielder or an extra speed outfielder during the regular season in the American League (although it does play a part come the best of 5/7 playoffs).

Comparing these two typs of ball is like comparing pineapples to guava (I spared you the apples to oranges cliche'). Sure they are using the same rules, they intermittenly play each other (which lately has been largely lopsided so maybe my theory is shit) but one is just not that much better than the other they are just different.

As much as it makes me regurgitate chalupa in my mouth a little, I dont' see anyone in the AL beating the NY Yankees. Adding Abreu to that team just isn't allowed and should have been blocked if the Commish had any nuts, letting a team add so much payroll this far along in a season has destroyed many a fantasy team, which is what the Yanks are becoming.

Heaven forbid Arod ever gets over his mental breakdown, that team is going to be tacking up Numero twenty-seven.

As a huge Padres fan, I am trying to get excited about being in the wild-card "race" but man, the level of inconsistency by this team is enough to make me drink the koo-aid. I don't think if Xenu came down and played third base he could be worse than Todd Walker, dude's throws are seriously gonna get Adrian Gonzalez's arm broken some time this year. Luckily Russell Branyan is on the way.

It would be redundant to mention all the sick ass young arms chucking in the majors this year in fact I predicted one of them on the penis-head last spring but I wanna know why a lot of veteran pitchers are getting slapped around so badly? I don't have answer as to why Josh Beckett has given up the third most runs in the American League or as to why Jake Peavy has an ERA over 4.00 (I do know that tendonitis played a big role in this). Maybe you don't need a "big" arm anymore, the Mets are tearing through the season with a gimpy Pedey, Tom Glavine and Steve Freakin Trachsel heavy in the rotation. Even though all these arms are great, a great hitting team sure makes their pitching staff look better regardless of their quality (Go Reds!).

This is a video game blog so I'll hit upon the holiday that just passed, Maddenoliday. I've been frustrated by the Madden/NCAA combo for the past 2 or 3 years, mainly because every year it feels exactly the same. While it may not be all that drastically different on the Xbox 360, one thing it does is feel new. Playing NCAA/Madden on the Xbox 360 is like getting a BJ from a new girl, you know it's basically the same bobbing motion, but man, all the new hand movments are great and you just love what she's doing with your taint. Chuck may disagree, but that's the way the short hops bounce today.

If I contradicted myself at all here, well, if they don't like Short Hops, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period."

And please, for the love of Xenu, no sounds at the baby! Please!

Doom 3

With my selective yet-rarely practiced boycott of EA products, I'm not buying Madden this year. They quit sending me the shit this year and I sure as hell ain't buying it, so atm I'm progressing through my copy of Doom 3 before I save enough for the Xbox 360. Anyway, this game lives up to its reputation - it's a pretty scarey game.

I found this out after flinching when I picked up an ammo pack - I mean, you shoulda seen this pack. If you had to carry this colossal thing on your back while saving Mars from hellspawn demons you'd be fucking scared too. Anyway, ya, creepy noises, and I'm to the point now where there's something growing all over the base and it laughs at me at inopportune times, and my first encounter with it was in a candlelit room with a pentagram flashing down on the ground. I can handle it cause I know Satan wouldn't dream of fucking with Xenu, but a guy like say...Boz would be holding his morning wood in the middle of the afternoon.

Come to think of it, I remember Boz and Swade playing this game back when it came out and they recorded their first trips around Mars City...

Merry Maddenoliday

'Twas the day of Maddenoliday and all 'cross the land,
people called in sick with Madden 07 now in hand.

The Hail Mary's were flung by the quarterbacks with despair,
in hopes Randy Moss would fly through the air.
Running backs stayed close with blocks being thrown,
while you opened running lanes, all on your own.

Then did the teeth of Manning start to chatter,
fore through the O-line came a blitzing Urlacher.
Down in a heap, now fourth-and-ten,
looks like Vinatieri's got to win it again.

The game clock expires, the victory is yours;
you can play one more game before starting the chores.
The kickoff flies as you headline Monday Night,
Merry Maddenoliday to all and to all...Boom! Now that's football!

The Eukanuba Diet

I have a miniature schnauzer and was buying a 25 lb. bag of Eukanuba at TSC, waiting in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Eukanuba Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Eukanuba chunks and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it one more time.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned to end up in the hospital. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he staggered to the door in hysterics.

F.E.A.R. Multiplayer client free

Vivendi Games has just announced (actually like 2 days ago, hurray alchohol binge) that the multiplayer portion of the mega-hit F.E.A.R. is available for download under the codename of "F.E.A.R. Combat". Users will be able to engage in online matches with owners of the full version of the game in what appears to be a massive advertising campaign for the upcoming expansion pack "Extraction Point" scheduled to be released October 1st.

Pretty goddamned good idea I must say - see you online in ooooooh, about 55 hours (fuck paying fileplanet for fast servers).

http://www.joinfear.com/main

You know how I know I'm gay?

Back when Boz worked for Codemasters a common request from me over AIM became, "so send it" - being the phrase I used every time Boz talked about a new game they were putting out. In my defense, it was games that represented the male sexuality so dominant in video games today - Second Sight, IGI-2, Operation Flashpoint, Toca - you know, games I wouldn't ever buy but I'd play the shit out of them if they were free.

Anyway, somewhere along the line he sent a copy of American Idol. My wife questioned why I had spent money on it almost immediately being that I didn't even watch the TV show. Long story short, I put it with my collection of games - I just hid it behind them so that no one would ever see it...till last night.

Looking for old shit to Ebay away to help finance my Xbox 360 fund (btw click the Adsense shit above to help out), I ran across it. Out of curiousity and fresh off an ass-kicking in NCAA 2007, I put it in - and by 12:05 Friday morning I was the next American Idol.

This game is an honest-to-Xenu piece of shit. The gameplay is essentially a Leisure Suit Larry mini-game minus the cartoon nudity. You time buttons while your idol strafes back and forth while banging out hits from N'Sync and the Backdoor Boys. After you finish your anal-assault towards Clay Aikenism, the only other game modes are jukebox and karaoke sessions you can sing along to at home. I dunno, I'm not going to dignify anything else to this post cause I think my point has been made - I'm a newly reknown homosexual.

Anyway, I gotta hop on Halo 2 to blow some shit up and reassure my place amongst heterosexual males.

*sidenote: The South Park episode entitled: "South Park is Gay!" just came on Fox. This could be a long night.

Halo 2 shit-talking

New Nationwide Insurance Ad

Nationwide is a well-known insurance company who has their world headquarters located in Columbus, and to go along with the typical daily emails I get about OSU, the Bengals and the Reds, I came across this one today...

it's the new Nationwide Insurance ad:

Fantasy Draft

I jsut finished my firs tfantasy draft of the year, a keeper league where I finished 4th in last year. I had drafted Javon Walker and Deuce McAllister as 2 of my first 3 draft picks, so my 2 keeprs eneded up being Willis McGahee and Torry Holt. Anyway, my team for the 2006 season:

QB: Donovan McNabb, PHI, Ben Roethlisberger, PIT, Byron Leftwich, JAX
RB: Willis McGahee, BUF, DeShaun Foster, CAR, Fred Taylor, JAX, DeAngelo Williams, CAR, Marion Barber, DAL
WR: Torry Holt, STL, Randy Moss, OAK, Plaxico Burress, NYG, Donte Stallworth, NO, Braylon Edwards, CLE
TE: Todd Heap, BAL, Heath Miller, PIT
K: Mike Vanderjagt, DAL, Ryan Lindell, BUF
DEF: Jacksonville, New England

The league is QB heavy, and last year with Marc Bulger as my 4th round pick I prospered pretty well until playoff time, when I had to rely on Aaron Brooks and Chris Simms to pick up where the pussy left off.

Starting positions are 1 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 DEF

Anyway, I'm drunk as a motherfucker and am tired of retyping words.

Jealous as a bitch

Earnings down?

How fuckin' pompous do you have to be?

click to enlarge

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"My boys too much of a problem Sheriff?"

+10 bonus points if you named the movie that quote came from

I remember hearing about how Oklahoma went and got the #1 and #2 recruits in the nation 3 years ago and were just going to trump the recent accomplishments of USC and rival the greatest dynasties in college football under Bob Stoops.

And to boot - those 2 recruits (QB Rhett Bomar & HB Adrian Peterson) were taken from the state of their longtime rival, Texas.

Soooooooo, fast forward to as about 2 hours ago surfing the web, I see that our favorite drunken coed QB since Steve Bellisari has been kicked off the team for receiving payments from a job at which he didn't work. Well, perhaps he did work - but he didn't work what he was paid for, so forgive my halfassed blogger journalism skills.

Two years later Texas hasn't forgotten. Over at hornfans.com the message boards are being slammed with not-so subtle reminders about the deed that was done that signing day. Check 'em out - this could get as good as the Florida boards in the Kellen Winslow "soldja" incident after the Tennessee game his junior year.

The AP news story linked in this post has the full story, if that doesn't tell you enough then head over to ESPN to read what wildass speculation some idiot will post over there. Just remember, regardless what you read there, it's only 2 players (Bomar and OL Jamie Quinn - no relation to Dr. Quinn or Brady) and it's safe to assume they weren't rolling Benz's around Norman.

Shoulda stayed in Texas, Rhett. If Coach Kilmer taught us anything, it was that nothing is more important than football in Texas. He woulda handled this shit looooong before anyone put some ink down on it.